Damn, it's been nearly 2 years since my last blog post. Naturally, A LOT of has happened since then.
With regards to my previous post about my friend who got a boyfriend: we worked things out and mended our friendship for the better. I ended up talking to her about how I felt. In turn, she also told me how she felt, which I think helped me see where she was coming from.
I think these past ~2 years have been a little rough. I don't know if it's me getting old, or what... But I feel like I've been struggling a lot, and I just keep getting depressed over a lot of things. This is BEFORE the COVID-19 pandemic hit. There's been a lot of family drama, job drama...I think it just really sucks when the people you think "have your back" and support you...really don't. Or they belittle you over the most trivial of things.
I find that I've distanced myself from a lot of people. I'm just sick of the "seeking validation" bullshit...I shouldn't have to validate my worth or justify myself to people who think it's okay to ridicule or shame me over small things.
For example, I recently got into slimes (it's kinda like play-doh or putty toys). Yes, I get that it's a "kids thing" but so are video games and stuffed animals. Nobody shits on older people for buying or having those. For me, slimes are a fun thing to play with, and it's a relaxing activity. I spend my own, hard-earned money, and I've been buying slimes from Etsy, supporting individual and family-run businesses.
In the beginning, I played with my slimes on my kitchen counter. But now? I have to play with it in my bedroom. With the door closed and locked. Because my sister (same age), who lives with me, kept RIDICULING and SHAMING about it. ...I got my own apartment a few months ago: the title is in MY name, I'M the one who's paying the mortgage, my sister does NOT pay me rent (and I can't force her to, due to family reasons). It's FUCKED UP that I can't freely use my kitchen counter.
First time my sister saw me with a slime toy, she was all laughs and saying, "What?! You actually bought that??? I can't believe you bought that!" I just brushed it off, and asked her what the big deal was, and that it's my money, etc. etc. Second time she saw me: all laughs again, and proceeded to ask me if I need help and if she needed to get me help. I thought that was really hurtful, if she was implying that I was mentally ill, unstable and/or stupid. I told her to stop making it a big deal, and what she was saying was hurtful and mean.
Let it be known that her words were NOT out of genuine concern. The third time she saw me, I was playing with a slime in my bedroom, with the damn door closed. And my sister barged into my room without knocking (she wanted to tell me something), saw me, LAUGHED and said, "Oh what?? So because I shamed you for playing on the kitchen counter, you're going to play with the slime in your bedroom now!? >:D"
I know I'm probably just a sensitive person...but that seriously floored me. She KNEW that she was making me feel ashamed and embarrassed. And the fact that she continued to belittle me like that...I cried then, and told her (AGAIN) that she was being mean and hurtful, and she needs to stop it. And she damn well saw me cry. We didn't talk for a couple of days after that. We are now talking, of course, since we live under the same household. But, you know, the damage is already done.
I get that I'm 31 years old, but this idea that "adults should only do grown up things" is a little ridiculous. I know my sister is entitled to her opinion. But it disappoints and saddens me that my sister of all people would react like that, even after I expressed my feelings of how it hurt me. The "bridge" is severely burned. My sister has been crapping on me over various things these past 2 years since she's been back for home for grad school. This incident kinda puts the final nail on that coffin.